I was once told there are two kinds of people in the world: those who are listening and those who are waiting to talk. Stephen Covey said the same thing, though more eloquently: “Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply.”
Too many of us fall into the category of “waiting to talk,” when what we really need is to practice being better listeners. I try to listen carefully and intently to others both in my personal and professional life. Admittedly, sometimes I catch myself not listening as intently as I should, and sometimes I don’t give my undivided attention. It may be because there’s always a next task to get done and the tendency to multitask is common—even though it’s been proven to be ineffective.
Close relationships develop in radiation oncology due to patients’ intense care. And ensuring quality of care requires listening closely to the needs of patients and their caregivers, as well as to staff. One way to listen better is to become an active listener. Active listening is a skill that takes time and ongoing, conscientious effort so we don’t fall into old habits. Sound expert Julian Treasure’s 2011 TED talk “5 ways to listen better” includes five tips to re-tune your ears for conscious listening. He uses the acronym RASA (Receive, Appreciate, Summarize, Ask) where listening precedes talking. Perhaps developing better listening skills should be a professional development requirement.
In her 2015 TEDx Talk, “10 ways to have a better conversation,”journalist, author and speaker Celeste Headlee gives some outstanding tips that can help us be more present, more engaged and more attuned. Ironically, “Listen” is her ninth tip, but she states it is the most important. Her talk is well worth listening to.
In this age of "immediacy" we find it difficult to put down our phone or tablet, or close our laptop and focus exclusively on what someone else is saying. We respond to the ping of our phones like Pavlov's dog. Our reaction is almost involuntary.
Perhaps we fall into “waiting to talk” because of our innate human desire to be heard and acknowledged. Having someone really listen to us makes us feel important, valued and validated. Shouldn’t we extend that same courtesy and create that feeling for each and every person who says to us, “Do you have a moment?”; “Can we talk?”; or “I need to talk to you.”
Listening requires being present without inserting our presence into a conversation. If someone says, “But” or “At least…” in response, it’s an indicator that the person may not have truly listened. Listening does not mean chiming in with your own thoughts, ideas and experiences… unless asked expressly, refrain. Listening leads to understanding and connection. And that’s what we all want.