This is a summary of the workshop presentation given by M.J. Clark, senior leadership consultant and executive coach with Integrated Leadership Systems.
Effective Listening Skills
Listening is a great way to deflate conflict. People feel heard. You can listen better by:
- Having good eye contact. Lean in slightly. Nod your head (if you agree).
- Giving responses to help the person feel understood. “Mmm, hmm,” “Yes.”
- Rephrasing what they are saying.
- Not thinking about or focusing on what to say next. (listen = silent) (silencing your mind)
- Perhaps, mirroring their emotions. “That sounds so frustrating.”
- Asking questions.
- Observing their non-verbals. (Non-verbal communication is communication.)
Dealing with Conflict
- Be assertive, not aggressive, when dealing with conflict.
- The confidence level for aggressive people is low.
- Assertiveness is not comfortable. Only 20 percent of people are assertive on a regular basis.
3-Step Process: The “How To” of Assertiveness
This is a great tool you can use to develop assertiveness. The first two steps keep the conversation within your domain:
- Describe the behavior (“I have noticed…”) (Be neutral, with a focus on the facts)
- Explain how it makes you feel (“When you do this, I feel…”) –– one word (Say one word because you want to say a feeling not a thought.)
- Explain the changes you would like made (“I would ask/prefer…”) (Be directive if talking to a subordinate; deferential if talking to a person higher up.)
Criticism vs. Constructive Feedback
Many people don't know the difference between criticism and constructive feedback. Here are some key points to remember:
- Criticism: past orientation, personal focus, negative tone, expresses frustration, problem-oriented
- Constructive feedback: future orientation, behavior focus, positive tone, expresses confidence, solution oriented
Strategies for Reducing Conflict and Mediating
Keep these tips in mind to mediate and reduce conflict:
- Don’t think of issues as win-lose–find common ground.
- After each conflict, think about what you would have done differently.
- If you usually avoid conflict, practice assertiveness (the 3-step process outlined above).
- If your (or their) emotions are hijacking the process, take a time-out.